Things Only Men Who Live Alone Do

Only when men have a living room to themselves, a huge TV, and nobody to complain they've wasted an entire day, do they get to nestle in and marathon a TV show. When they have housemates or a live-in partner, they're resigned to watching things the old-fashioned way - one episode a night - if it's a show everybody else is okay with.

There's nothing quite as cozy as a night spent immersed in a virtual world. You surround yourself with snacks, turn the lights off, and lose all track of time and reality. You wake up feeling like trash, but it's worth it for the experience and something you find few chances to do when you live with somebody else.

Men and their erotic viewing habits are the subject of a lot of discussion. Some are open about their proclivities, while others feel ashamed and blame the women whose content they so vigorously enjoy. It's not something you get a chance to do when there's another presence in the home unless they're into that sort of thing...

If all a man living alone has is one slightly-stained white shirt and a ratty old pair of jeans, that is what he will wear to avoid having to do laundry. When you have a partner or a roommate around, there's at least the social pressure of having to seem like a functional adult, but without that, and without that, it's the Wild West.

Guys like their bed with a little seasoning. They enjoy the feeling of well-worn sheets and sweat-soaked pillows. Like a cat marking its territory, they're a sign that a man has been there. Women don't stand for that nonsense and correctly identify the hygienic fallout zone created by such lackluster standards.

Both men and women do this when they live alone, and though some brave couples keep that tradition afloat, it's primarily, and best experienced, as a solo endeavor. There's nobody to impress or hide from, it's just you and the elements, baby. Just make sure the curtains are closed...

Most men don't understand what women mean when they complain that they leave the toilet seat up. They'll comply, but it doesn't really sink in, and as soon as they're alone again they're right back to their old ways. Men who live alone pay no attention to the orientation of the toilet seat.

When there's no chance that anybody is going to walk by unannounced, why would you ever bother closing the bathroom door? It's all about efficiency, the time it takes to open and close the door could be better spent hanging around and chilling out. It's called dude-maxing.

Men don't fear for their safety in the same way women do. Granted, women's concerns are well-grounded and overwhelmingly caused by other men, so it's only through privilege and sheer obliviousness that men forgetting to lock-up doesn't result in catastrophe. Besides, if somebody breaks in, they'll see the lack of furniture and a pack of hotdogs thawing in the sink and immediately know a man with nothing to lose lives there.

Takeout food, frozen pizzas, microwave burritos, all delicious and dreadful in equal measures, and suddenly off the menu as soon as somebody is around to cast judgment on your eating habits. To be fair, prepared food is they're often cheap, easy to prepare, and incredibly dense in calories - so they're at least efficient bachelor chow.

The bountiful sock and underwear drawer, packed full of last year's Christmas gifts, can be overflowing with options and a man will still choose to put on the same pair he wore yesterday, and the day before. Like many seemingly strange male decisions, it's attempting to push the need to do laundry just a few more days.

Living alone, the most common question a man asks himself is "do I smell that bad?". He'll be used to his stench by that point, which will dull the sensory assault enough for him to believe he can just shower tomorrow. Put one other person in that room with him and the second opinion will be worlds apart from his biased take.

God knows why men do this, but it's a kind of décor they can't get away with unless they live alone. They'll create an effigy of cans, showcasing limited edition Dr. Pepper flavors, brand collaborations between Mountain Dew and Mr. Robot that make you question how long he's been holding onto these things, and at least one foreign beverage he imported because the FDA wouldn't deem it fit for human consumption.

How are your friends supposed to know you love Pulp Fiction if you don't have Uma Thurman's sultry eyes glaring at them no matter where they sit in the room? College dorms are often the first taste of independent living men get, and some can just never drop those old habits.

Men aren't great at asking for help, especially when it's something they're convinced they can fix themselves. The handyman probably has a lot on his plate, the internet holds the entire sum of all human knowledge, and there's a roll of duct tape in the drawer - time for some DIY.

Unless there's a good reason to go further than the front door, men who live alone will go days without seeing the outside world. A partner might frown on such a goblin-esque lifestyle, but when you live alone, your home is your castle, and that drawbridge is staying up.

Doing the dishes is up there with doing laundry on the list of things men living alone will put off for as long as possible. If they put the effort into making a meal themselves, they'll see eating out of the cooking vessel as a little treat that cuts down on the clearing up. It's a win-win.

Living alone as a man is an exercise in how much you can lie to yourself that your beard is "growing in nicely". They tend to only shave or trim if there's a woman involved and will spend the intermediate time looking like a particularly unstylish caveman.

It's well-researched that women need three drinks around them at all times - a hot one, a cold one, and a fun one. Men have one cup they use for coffee, water, and whatever carbonated beverage of choice they prefer. They might swill it out with water between servings, or they might not, but it's a lifestyle choice that gets beaten out of them the second someone else intervenes.

Men tend to cut down on the amount they drink if they know somebody is going to sit with them as they stare into the toilet bowl. It's a state of true vulnerability, the most fragile a guy will ever feel, and it's reserved for when they live alone.

The peaceful and serene midday nap is misleading, we all know this. No matter how comfortable you feel going in, you're going to wake up to darkness outside and an enormous feeling of disorientation. A partner will warn you against it, but alone, you just can't help but fall for its sweet lies.

Guys love swords. They fancy one particular period of history or be super into a TV show or movie that has a cool sword in it, and as soon as they live alone they're going to consider buying a replica to hang on the wall. Well, sometimes it will hang on the wall, other times, they might swing it around a little, who knows?

When men live alone, they start to question the claims of Big Soap. Do they need it for their hands? Do they need it for their bodies? Is it that important for the dishes? The answer to all three is an emphatic yes - but it saves them time, so they'll just keep asking.

One other person in the house is enough to break the wall of complete silence men rely upon to contemplate. They won't listen to a podcast or music, they won't look at their phone, they will just sit there and meditate, peaceful in their total lack of distractions and responsibilities.

As much as men complain about superfluous pillows on the couch, they truly miss them when they're gone. No frills, no fuzzy blankets, no flowery prints, all of these seemingly unnecessary add-ons help add to the cozy atmosphere of a couch, and when they're gone, men mourn their absence.

No bulb will be left lit unless there is somebody around to witness the glaring light when a man lives alone. Monitoring the energy consumption of two people is a lot trickier than it is if you're going it solo, and men will make a sport of seeing how little power they can use in a day. They'll sit in pitch-black darkness to avoid using a lamp.

Food is something it's easy to optimize when you live alone. If you're cooking for somebody else, you have to be prepared for when they inevitably get bored of pasta, rice, and ground beef-based dishes, which makes the cost of grocery store visits volatile and hard to predict. Men cherish the simple and efficient.

Plenty of women like violent movies, but when guys live alone, they never have to ponder the meaning of the word 'gratuitous'. They can watch heads explode and limbs be severed to their heart's content in glorious 4K without worrying if the next thing they watch might require them to use their brain.

One side-effect of the often secluded life of the solo bachelor is the inevitably awkward first contact after a period of being entirely alone. You forget how to speak, how to emote, what jokes are funny, and what normal people talk about, you're like Tom Hanks from Cast Away suddenly dropped into a Home Depot.

Decorating for the holidays is such a tremendously joyous activity, but it's hard to justify when you're doing it alone. Instead of focusing on the color and cheer they bring, you think about how nobody will see them, and you'll just have to take them down on your own come January. The happiness doesn't seem worth creating extra work for yourself in a few weeks.

Some men aren't content sequestering themselves inside like a dragon guarding their treasure, and will instead go explore in the great outdoors. Having nobody to answer to or plan around, they can wander off in any direction, get lost, or find a new favorite spot to sit down in, the possibilities are endless.

There can be a blizzard outside, and great frosty tendrils forking around their doorway and windows like deep blue bolts of lightning, and men still won't crank up the heating if they're the only ones home. They'll put three sweaters on and wear snow boots to bed to avoid an unexpected spike in their bills.

The main comfy chair obviously has to face the TV, that's where you watch TV. The couch should also be in perfect view just in case anybody comes over and wants to watch TV, and the table should be near the chair, oriented in such a way it doesn't obstruct the TV and leaves everything within reach so you don't have to get up when you're watching TV.

Socially unacceptable behaviors like blasting The Beach Boys and The Eagles become small moments of joy and freedom when you live alone. Nobody is going to question your choice of genre or complain that you've listened to Kokomo four times in a row, except maybe your neighbors...

You can indulge in hobbies just fine with a live-in partner or housemates, but you never quite find the time, or the ability to truly focus on the activity like you can when you live alone. It's just about you, you're not worried about ignoring or inconveniencing anybody, and you can get lost in them for hours.

A man living on his own experiences time completely differently from the rest of the world. 2 pm is a fine time to start the day, and it might not end until 4 am. They can get just as much work done unshackled from normal conventions, they transcend the clock and learn of new, undiscovered hours never before dreamed of.

For some reason, record collecting seems to be a hobby dominated by men who live alone. They spend years and thousands of dollars creating the perfect set up, with carefully selected speakers angled just right for the acoustics of the room, and trays upon trays of artists and eras to choose from.

A partner might not react too well to the news you've dropped $2500 on a cutting-edge graphics card, but when you live alone, the day that things comes in the mail is the happiest you've ever been. You lack responsibilities, and that's fine, you might as well enjoy yourself!

Men love to travel solo, but they love to plan to travel solo even more. They know they don't need anywhere fancy to stay, they can pack light, so finding the cheapest experiences possible becomes a game all on its own. They can go and find themselves in the forests of South America, and they can spend peanuts on the grand revelations the trees hold.

This is a stand-in for all manner of gross, socially unacceptable behaviors men do when they live alone. They burp as loud as they can, they pass gas as often as they can, they cough, sneeze, slurp, and wipe their noses with their sleeves, just because they can and nobody is going to judge them.